Thursday, July 26, 2012

Life in the past month

The past month has been demanding, to say the least. Firstly, and most importantly, it's been more than a month now since I said goodbye to my Abby-Dear.

This has been occupying most of my brain for the last month. I've had a really hard time with it. I believe that for the first week or so after she died, I was in shock. I was trying so hard to keep up a "GameFace" for her, that I seem to have gotten stuck with that mask on. You see, Abby and I were very tightly connected, and she would always look to me in strange, or new situations, to guage how she was to react. I'd be damned if I was gonna let her down in her last days by being a blathering mess around her. So, I saved my blathering for the times when I was not by her side, and I kept a brave face for her, in hopes of her recovery. I remember her looking deeply into my eyes, in those last days - not really seeming to say anything, just to hold that connection. I looked just as deeply back into her gorgeous brown eyes.

I still have a hard time accepting that she's gone. It's such a hard loss to overcome.

I have to say, this all causes me some angst, and feelings of guilt, because I did not have such a hard time with Lucy's passing. That, in itself, was a horrible event, of which not many people know the final details. Lucy was my shadow for 18 years, and in the last year and a half of her life, she battled cancer, with a mammary tumour. I guess it makes some sense in my head that I had that year and a half to get used to the idea. Abby did not suffer long, gratefully, but I guess that her shorter period of suffering means shock and longer suffering for me? It's tricky, and I'm still sorting it through in my head.

On top of all that, we've had our house up for sale, which is tumultuous at best. Living in your own home like you don't live there is difficult. Even moreso when the people coming to snoop through your house say things like, "i didn't really want a pool," or "we want a house with four bedrooms..." People can be so inconsiderate.

I've been practicing yoga regularly, and participating in Yoga Journal's Meditation Revolution. This is a great program, if anyone has not joined yet, jump in! Right now! Doesn't matter if you've missed the last couple of weeks and a bit, I think it's a benefit to anyone open to trying it!